If I Didn't Know Better
by Kristen Elizabeth
Summary: "She's not a girl," Kakashi immediately corrected her. His tone, not his words, made his old friend blink in surprise. "Oh, I know that," she said quietly. "I just didn't realize that you knew it, too."
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Characters contained within do not belong to me.

**Author's Notes:** Although I've watched anime for years, I got on the Naruto bandwagon very late, and only under the influence of a good friend. I've only barely started Shippuden, so this story is non-specific as to details because, frankly, I have no idea what happens beyond Team Kakashi's first encounter with Sasuke, and I'm trying very hard to stay spoiler-free. Hope you still enjoy the piece!

BTW, I am a fan of Sakura and Sasuke, but if he never comes back, there's only one other person I could ever see her with...

* * *

**If I Didn't Know Better**

**by Kristen Elizabeth**

* * *

_If I didn't know better..._

* * *

"Maybe we should give up."

Her words, spoken so softly, with such regret, caught Naruto so off-guard that he almost choked on his ramen. Slurping down a massive mouthful of noodles, he looked at the girl sitting next to him.

Sakura had barely touched her own food. She was just staring into the bowl, like she might find the answers to all of her problems in the way the meat and vegetables rested on the surface of the soup.

"You don't mean that, Sakura-chan." He slapped on a trademark grin. "I'll never stop trying to see what's under Kaka-sensei's mask!"

Seated on the other side of Naruto, Kakashi merely shook his head and glanced back at the book in his hand.

The corners of her lips turned up, but there was no life in her smile. "And I really wish that's what I was talking about."

Naruto's cheerful expression faded. "What else would you be talking about?"

"You're going to make me say it?"

"Yeah." Sakura glanced at him only to find him staring right back at her. "You've never held back before."

There was a lump in her throat that wouldn't go away no matter how many times she swallowed. "He doesn't want to be saved, Naruto. He's made that clear more times than I can count." She had to stop for a second. "Why aren't we listening to him?"

Kakashi cleared his throat to break the silence that followed and addressed the ramen shop's owner. "Teuchi-san, could I bother you for another glass of..."

Naruto cut him off. "Because he doesn't know what he's saying," the blond ninja told his pink-haired teammate, his tone edging towards anger. "He's not thinking right. All he can see is revenge and hate and it's keeping him from seeing what he really wants."

"Or he knows exactly what he wants and we're not it." Sakura pushed away from the counter with enough force to make soup slosh out of her full bowl. "We never were." Reaching into her purse, she threw down a handful of coins. "See you tomorrow."

When she was gone, Naruto looked at Teuchi and Ayame. Both father and daughter were immersed in their work, studiously ignoring the scene that had just taken place. He swung his scowl towards Kakashi, but his sensei had already immersed himself in the naughty world of his favorite novel.

Naruto tried to continue eating, as if Sakura's words hadn't bothered him, but he'd lost his appetite. Throwing down his chopsticks, he stormed off, nearly ripping off the flaps that lined the entrance when they got in his way.

In his wake, Teuchi sighed. "Kids."

"No." Kakashi stood up, the weight of the world on his shoulders, and put down enough money to cover both his and Naruto's food. "They're not anymore."

* * *

Sakura had only made it around the block. She sensed Naruto coming before he even turned the corner, but when he called out her name, she didn't stop walking.

"Sakura!" he tried again. The lack of his usual honorific finally made her stop. His chakra was in flux; after so many years of training and fighting with him, she could tell when he was angry just by the surge in energy. "I thought you loved him!"

His words felt like heated kunai blades stabbing her in the chest.

"If you love him," Naruto scowled, "how can you give up?"

Sakura turned her head just enough to let him see her profile. "Because...I don't think love is supposed to feel like this."

A strong wind whipped down the street making her hair dance around her shoulders. She could hear him heave a sigh as his chakra faded back to normal.

"We're going to get him back, Sakura-chan. Someday, he's gonna wake up, snap out of it, get it beaten out of his head...whatever it takes...and he'll come home."

"I don't think so." She turned around to face him straight on. "I'm sorry, but I don't. Not anymore."

Naruto took a step forward. "I promised you..."

"You were thirteen!" Sakura shouted. "We all thought it would be as simple as knocking him out and dragging him back. Do you really think I'm going to hold you to that promise now, after all these years? Now that he's become...the way that he is? With the power he has?" She shook her head. "I'm not that selfish, Naruto."

"Sakura-chan..."

He stopped when she kept shaking her head. "No. I'm not going to lose you both. I can't."

"He won't kill me," Naruto declared. "If he wanted to kill me, he already would have."

"How many more times are you going to let him try, though?"

"I told you, I promised I would bring him home and..."

There was a post only a few feet away from Sakura. It was the only thing within reach, so it had the unfortunate fate of being on the receiving end of her fist. The wood cracked and split down the middle, and the entire pole sagged, held up only by the wires that connected it to the others lining the block.

"That's a child's promise, Naruto!" she shouted. "You have to grow up and realize..." Her chest rose and fell with each heavy, forced breath. "He's never coming back to us!"

"Oy, you two." Kakashi emerged from the shadows, his hands in his pockets, a bored look on his face. "Try not to wake up the entire neighborhood."

Her fist fell to her side, but her fingers remained clenched.

Kakashi glanced at Naruto. Although his furrowed brow gave evidence to his anger, it was the moisture in his blue eyes that gave away his true feelings. "Naruto." The young man's glare shifted to him. "You should head home. Early day tomorrow. You wouldn't want to be late."

Naruto sniffed. "Look who's talking."

"Ah," Kakashi agreed.

With a shake of his head, Naruto turned, shoved his hands in his pockets and walked away. When Kakashi could no longer sense his chakra, he looked back at Sakura.

"Come on." He gestured to her. "I'll walk you home."

"I think I can make it on my own," she snapped with more bite than she'd intended.

"Indulge an old man, Sakura."

"Kaka-sensei, you're not old." As she reminded him of this, it dawned on her that he hadn't said _'-chan.'_

He might have been smiling under his mask, but his exposed eye just looked sad. "If you say so."

With a reluctant sigh, she started off in the direction of her apartment, unwilling to admit that she didn't absolutely hate it when he followed her.

* * *

_...I'd follow you up the stairs..._

* * *

She rented rooms over a shop that sold, amongst other things, an amazing array of windchimes. One of the reasons why she had never bothered to look for a new place was that on windy nights, she could stand on her balcony and hear the windchimes that the shop owner had on permanent display.

As she came to a stop in front of the door that led up to her apartment, the gentle tinkle of wooden reeds dancing against each other almost drowned out the wind that animated them. Sakura turned around to face Kakashi.

"Do you think I'm wrong?" He tilted his head a bit to the side, prompting her to clarify, "About...the thing. The thing Naruto and I were fighting about."

Kakashi looked up at the stars. "That isn't something I can answer," he eventually replied.

She folded her ams over her chest like a shield. "Do you think he'll ever come back?"

"He's nothing if not unpredictable."

Sakura frowned. "So...that's a no...but it could be a yes?"

Kakashi's good eye crinkled as he smiled. "Maybe."

She let out a little laugh of both amusement and frustration. It faded a second later. "I'm tired of him hurting Naruto. I'm tired of Naruto letting himself get hurt. He gets his hopes up for nothing. It's getting worse every time."

"Giving up isn't in his nature." A moment passed. "It's not in yours, either."

"I think...I gave up on him a long time ago, Kaka-sensei." Sakura looked down, ashamed of this admission. "I only keep going for Naruto's sake."

Kakashi took a step towards her. In the moonlight, he could see twin tracks of tears coursing down her pale cheeks.

"I'm sorry." Her eyes were on the ground. "I haven't done this in years."

"There's nothing wrong with crying," Kakashi said. "Sometimes I wish I still could."

It was as though his confession gave her the permission she'd needed. Burying her face in her hands, Sakura's slender shoulders hunched over under the weight of her sobs.

She didn't know how much time passed, maybe seconds, maybe minutes, but the next thing she knew, there was an arm around her shoulder and she found herself being drawn against Kakashi's chest.

He was solid muscle, but not at all uncomfortable. After a moment, Sakura relaxed enough to lay her cheek against the pocket of his green vest. The heavy fabric smelled like grass and tobacco with just a touch of something else. Something clean, but definitely male.

Her hands shook as she laid her palms on the back of his uniform. His masked chin rested on the top of her head like he had no intention of letting go anytime soon.

"It's all right to move on," Kakashi said, his throat vibrating with each deep word. She closed her eyes at the feeling; her fingers gripped his vest. "You deserve to have a life."

"Thank you, Kaka-sensei," she whispered. Leaning her head back just a bit, she was able to look up at the contours of his face.

Amongst the girls of the village, there had always been much speculation about what lay beneath his mask. Pessimists thought he was hiding scars even more debilitating than the one that ran through his eye. But optimists, like Sakura, believed he might be hiding features that were just as good-looking as the ones he let the world see.

She might never have actually seen his lips, but being as close as she was right then, she could make out their shape beneath the dark blue mask. Without stopping to think, Sakura lifted her chin and sought them out with her own.

The cloth over his mouth was warm from his breath. Slowly, softly, she kissed what she couldn't see and waited for him to respond in kind.

He never did.

Drawing back, Sakura saw that his eye was closed, not in pain, but in concentration. "Kaka-sen..." She stopped herself. "Kakashi." A second ticked by. "Are you mad at me?"

Kakashi opened his eye. "No. Not you."

Relief, not to mention a desire to kiss him again that came out of nowhere, compelled her to lean in closer, but at the last second, he turned his face away from her.

"We're not doing this," he said. "You don't want this."

You, he'd said. Not him. There was a difference, Sakura decided. A big difference.

"I'm eighteen," she informed him. "I get to decide what I want."

Kakashi looked back at her. For a brief second, she thought she might have changed his mind. With the back of his knuckles, he stroked her damp cheek; she smiled at the gentle contact, wanting more. But when he spoke, it was like a punch to her stomach.

"If you think you were hurt by Sasuke..." His hand dropped away. "You have no idea what loving me would do to you."

Although her heart was beating rapidly and the usual flood of mixed emotions...regret, sorrow, longing, anger, attraction...that always followed when she heard Sasuke's name were threatening to spill out in the form of fresh tears, Sakura held her composure steady.

"I'm willing to risk it."

Kakashi bent his head and put his lips at her ear. "I'm not."

She blinked and he was gone, leaving her alone in the middle of the street, with only the sound of the windchimes.

* * *

_...if I didn't know better...but damnit..._

_...I do._

_- The Civil Wars_

* * *

**Fin**

(Maybe. I'm open to the idea of sequel. After NaNoWriMo. Let me know if anyone would want one! And thank you for reading!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Characters contained within do not belong to me.

**Author's Notes:** I just wanted to personally thank those who read and reviewed the first chapter. I wasn't sure I'd go on, but with a little encouragement, I found my way to a second chapter and it happened to contain a character that I really like, but haven't heard much from so far in the series, (Remember, I'm only up to season three of Shippuden.) I hope I did her justice.

Thank you so much for coming back for more!

* * *

**If I Didn't Know Better**

**by Kristen Elizabeth**

* * *

The lights were on in the apartment under which he stood, a clear signal, as far as Kakashi was concerned, that the woman inside wouldn't mind a visitor. It was an easy jump to make, one that he'd made more than once over the years, and within seconds he was standing on her balcony, surrounded by potted plants and flowers.

It was never a smart idea to sneak up on a ninja, especially a female ninja, so Kakashi whistled loudly to catch the attention of the woman inside.

Her head shot up from whatever task she was performing at her kitchen sink and her red eyes immediately rolled upon seeing that it was him. Kakashi smiled apologetically beneath his mask and gave her a friendly wave as she pushed the window open.

"You know, one of these days you're going to realize that I have a front door," Kurenai said, tossing her dark hair over her shoulder.

"I know you have a front door," he replied seriously.

Shaking her head, his long-time friend sighed and pointed at the sliding door which lead inside, a silent invitation to enter that Kakashi gratefully took.

As he closed the door behind him, Kurenai came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. "It's late, so I take it this is important?"

"Are you alone?" Kakashi asked, glancing around.

"What are you implying?"

He held up his hands. "Nothing." She threw the towel at him and he caught it. "It's been awhile, Kurenai."

"Yes," she agreed. "You've been busy." It wasn't a reprimand; just a simple fact. "I'd ask how you are, but the fact that you're here already answers that question."

Kakashi said nothing. He was not unaware of the general sympathy he received from the other sensei in the village, in particular the ones who had been assigned teams from the same class as his. No one liked to imagine being in his shoes, having to deal with the loss of a student, let alone the betrayal by one.

After a moment of silence, Kurenai inclined her chin. "All right. So, you're not here to talk about all things Uchiha." She paused, thought, and chose a different tactic. "I was about to make some tea. You can have a cup, too, unless you want something stronger."

"Stronger," Kakashi decided.

Five minutes later, she had her tea and he had a bottle of sake. They sat on the floor around the low table in her living room, enjoying the comfortable silence that came with a long friendship. Kurenai blew on the surface of her tea and watched her friend pour himself a tiny cup of rice wine. She'd had a thousand meals with Kakashi and shared even more drinks, but she'd never managed to catch him lowering his mask in order to take a bite or a sip. Perhaps tonight would be the night.

But then she blinked and when she looked again, the cup was empty and his mask looked like it hadn't even been disturbed.

"How are Naruto and Sakura?" she broke the silence. "I don't see them much on the streets anymore. I assume you and Tsunade-sama have them tied up with training?"

Kakashi nodded and poured himself a second cup. "Naruto needs it. He's strong...stronger than anyone of us even knows, but grasping concepts is hard for him. He never gives up, though. If we all had his determination..." He shook his head as if that finished the thought.

"And Sakura?" Kurenai asked after a few moments. "Are you working with her, too?"

It was hard to tell with just one exposed eye, but Kurenai knew him well enough to know he was frowning. "I haven't trained her in years."

"Why not?" Kurenai's ruby eyes sparkled with mirth. "Because she's only a girl?"

"She's not a girl," Kakashi immediately corrected her.

His tone, not his words, made his old friend blink in surprise. "Oh, I know that," Kurenai said quietly. "I just didn't realize that you knew it, too." Another couple of seconds passed before she set down her tea cup to give him her full attention. "Why did you come here? Empathy? Advice?" She hesitated. "Permission?"

Other men might have gotten angry. Kakashi just leaned to one side, his elbow on his bent knee. "Nothing happened," he said, as if he needed her to know that first. Kurenai gave him a look. "She's young. The only boy she's ever cared about knocked her unconscious on his way to join Orochimaru. It's only natural for her to be confused about these things."

It was Kurenai's turn to frown. "It doesn't sound like nothing happened...and you did come here for a reason." She picked up her cooling tea. "I could guess, but you know I have an active imagination. It might be better just to tell me."

Because she was right, and he knew that she could get him out of him with genjutsu if necessary, he finally started talking, but not without visible resignation. Kurenai listened carefully and tried not to show her surprise when Kakashi told her about the kiss his former student and current teammate had given him.

"This happened tonight?" she asked when he was done. He nodded. "Why come to me?" Kakashi just stared at her, so she pressed on. "Can you just admit it's because I'm a woman? Or more importantly, because I was once an eighteen year-old girl myself?"

"I don't know what to do," he finally admitted.

"What do you want to do?"

"Not what you're imagining."

Kurenai arched an eyebrow. "Half of what I know about sex comes from your book collection." The pained expression on his face put an end to her teasing. "I'm going to make an assumption and I want you to let me finish before you try to shut me down." After he nodded, she went on. "If you weren't confused by Sakura's actions and if you didn't have any interest in her as a woman...you wouldn't have come here. You would have gone straight home and gone to bed with one of those books."

It took him a moment to speak and when he did, his voice was dark and low. "She is too young. And I..." He stopped, just a second too late.

"Kakashi, you know better than anyone how fast children in our world have to grow up." She let that sink in before continuing, "How old were you when you first took a life?" He shook his head. "All right. How old were you when you lost your..."

"Oy." His good eye narrowed. "None of that matters."

"Doesn't it?"

"No." With one fluid motion, Kakashi rose to his feet. "Forgive me for taking up your time and your sake."

Kurenai rocked back on her heels and stood. "Did you want me to tell you that it would be wrong?" He started to go, using the same means by which he'd entered. "Kakashi?"

At the door to the balcony, he paused. "I don't need anyone to tell me what I already know."

"Then..." Kurenai folded her arms. "Maybe you wanted me to tell you it would be all right?"

Kakashi's white hair caught the light of the moon when he pushed the screen open; she blinked at the celestial glow. She'd never been blind to her old friend's good looks, but every now and then they caught a woman off guard.

She couldn't blame Haruno Sakura for her actions. In fact, Kurenai was more than a little impressed by the young ninja's gumption. Perhaps she should set up a training session between Sakura and her own student, Hinata. She had a feeling the pink-haired girl would be a good influence.

Never one to bother with having the last word, Kakashi simply jumped off her balcony. She heard no sound below when he landed, not that she expected to. Even with his mind preoccupied, Kakashi was the best of all of them.

As Kurenai poured herself a fresh cup of tea, she couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't more concerned. An older man, a younger woman, the bond of sensei and student potentially turning into something far more intimate...this wasn't something to be taken lightly. It certainly wouldn't be encouraged or even ignored.

But what she hadn't told Kakashi, and what she wouldn't tell him until he was ready to hear it, was that the age difference beween her and her first lover was even greater than the one between him and Sakura, and that she had never regretted the experience.

Taking her tea into the bedroom, she paused to run her fingers along the petals of the freshly cut flowers sitting on the table in the hallway.

If anyone deserved to find happiness wherever it happened to come, it was Kakashi. Because as far as she knew, he'd never even touched upon it before.

* * *

**TBC**


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